52 Days: Limbo

It’s my last day in New York.

The tiny island nation of Palau (population 20,000 – located between the Philippenes and Japan) will “happily” take up to 17 Guantanamo detainees.

And my behavior patterns have returned to the exceptionally unhealthy ones of the worst phases of mine in Israel.  Not going to sleep, even though I show many symptoms of extreme exhaustion.  Instead I stay awake watching corny sympathetic old movies, over and over again.  And don’t brush my teeth and face before I plop under the covers.  And all I want to do is curl up and sleep.  Read a book.  And not go out.  Even though it’s New York City!!!!  What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m going back to Israel, that’s what.  I’m close to broke, that’s what.  And reality and genuine decisions loom.  My ornery scary grandmother will be at my door, screaming at me and scolding me about not having paid some bill or other or not being nice to some relative or other, or any such other thing that is none of her business.  My mother who I’ve not been speaking to often will be there again for another week or two…wanting to repair our relationship…wanting me to tell her why I’m angry…wanting to dump all her responsibilities on me…wanting me to cook the entire spread for her going away party/housewarming party next week.

So…have I enjoyed myself?  Has it been a good trip?  Yes.  I think it has.  I miss a lot here.  If I were to come back Stateside, it might be good for me.  I miss intellectuals.  I miss kindness.  Whether it be genuine or not, even the illusion of kindness soothes me.  I found myself elbowing my way througha line yesterday on the subway…the only one…people let me through without question…so bad, so bad, so miserably bad.  Then again, I need to repair me for a bit longer.  I need to work on writing and make money and be in one place for a while.  And I can do that anywhere without picking up and changing my life drastically.   I think I will come back home.  America is home, I’ve realized.  But not just yet.  Not just yet.

What will I do when I’m back?

1. Edit book until it is done
2. Get a job – wine tasting is there but not very profitable…consider bookstore, teaching English privately, teaching English with a company, applying for anything temp or part time that looks white color enough and easy, and maybe just maybe consider food service…but give every establishment a good once over before starting.
3. Send out book to close friends/good readers (they must be both) and then some agents and publishing houses
4. See friends

That’s it.  Book, money, friends.  How hard can it be?  Right?

Before I leave the US, I have to go through my old books and knick knacks and see what I want to take or send to Israel.  Boxes and boxes in my parents’ crawl space.  Oh well.  And then there’s two days in Warsaw.  Yup.  Maybe it’ll be really good for me.  Real transition time I need.  Not American.  Not Israeli.  Confusing.  And Perfect.  Shake one off.  Prep for another.  All while eating blini and perogies and potatoes and vodka.  Right?  Right.

79 Days: Year to date

I was restless trying to sleep last night.  My birthday is really soon.  Under three months.  And maybe it’s just my depressive tendencies.  Maybe it’s low self-esteem.  But I really, really, for a major flash, saw this as a completely wasted year.  In the next flash of a moment, I frantically started listing things that I’ve already done this year.  It went something like this:

1. Quit job that was bad for my soul
2. Went to India, a questionable time was had, but I went
3. I went to Ireland, and it was amazing, and it gave me career ideas and made a good friend
4. I went to Italy and Croatia and Greece and Turkey with the whole family, and even though I “just went,” it was an experience
5. I did complete a real first draft of the novel
6. The first draft of the novel was completely critiqued.  Even though I’ve been petrified to do real work using this severe criticism, I got it critiqued and theory can get it finished and sent out soon…
7. I have been dating.  Kind of.  Without great effort.  But it’s kind of something.
8. Therapy has been good.
9. Blogging has been fun and seems productive, even though I don’t get paid for it.
10. Found a cool part part part time job leading wine tastings
11. Cooked a lot of scrummy family meals for my uncle and cousins
12. Got two great cats
13. Have made huge strides in being a clean, responsible adult who does laundry and makes her bed more than once in a blue moon
14. Have really made a big effort to see friends, and it’s paying off, even though I’ve backpedaled and slumped in spurts.
15. I learned I could draw, really well.
16. Professionally catered one giant birthday party
17. I wrote a small handful of culinary articles for a Jewish magazine (maybe I should reprint them here…I’m not sure, though, any takers?)

I can probably add a bit here and there.  I guess what’s missing here is the “career” category.  Nothing that I can slap a label on that says success.  But it’s been interesting.  And it’s not over.  I have made huge strides in completing many, many, many of my “things to do before 30” list.

So, in order to salvage my silly self and ego and be orderly, here are a few more concrete things I want DONE by July 31:

1. Finish a second draft of the novel
2. Send out samples and intro letters to agents and publishers
3. Find paid work I don’t hate (even if it’s very part time waitressing, I need some self-respecting income to start paying rent because…)
4. I need to move out of my current depressing digs and into a home.  I am supposedly in the works to do so and move in with my sister into an apartment my mother purchased last year, in a chi chi awesome part of town, close to the beach, designer shops, cafes, an organic grocery store, you name it.  Thing is – ties to Mom, and having to live with a sometimes emotionally-unstable sister.  Other thing is, I will be paying rent, so I will technically be a tenant.  With rights.  It’s a much bigger place with a very hip layout and a decked out roof garden with direct access from our living room, which means the the cats will be happy, and there may just be enough physical space to spread out in case my sister goes ballistic.  Then, there are the days when I want to run screaming from the hills, move out of town, or to a crappy far away neighborhood I can afford in order to truly be independent.  But I don’t think this isn’t independent.  I mean, if I pay rent, I pay rent.  And I’m not going to be underpaying, here.  It’s just a gorgeous lot of apartment.  And I don’t have to look for it.  It’s there, because it was bought by my selfish self-centered witch of a mother who intends to use it as her very own every time she’s in town (which means, where the hell do I go…tenants’ rights?).  I’m going to stop here.  No I’m not.  Because I sound like a real bitch talking about my mother this way.  I do love her, and I do a lot for her, believe me.  She doesn’t just come for a visit, you see, when I could fix up a guest bed and cook a celebratory brunch.  She comes for a month or two, takes over everything, and uses the place like it’s hers.  No asking to use things.  Inviting her friends over at all hours.  Leaves her things everywhere.  Doesn’t clean.  Treats us like children.  She’s the roommate from hell.  Read The Drama of the Gifted Child.  That’s my mom.  Narcisist. With a capital ‘N.’  She’s the reason for a majority of my neuroses and major character flaws and huge therapy bills. Period.  We don’t get along, and it’s for nothing obvious that you can put a finger on because the whole world thinks she’s a loveable eccentric.  She just makes my skin crawl.  Now I’m done.
5. Make a longer-term plan for income and creativity balance.  Because I have novel #2 in the works.  Very loose outline.  But I’m excited.  Even if nobody ever reads what I write, I’m a writer, right?  Why do I have to convince myself…

These things seem reasonable.  Yes, they do.  If I work hard.  2+ months?  Piece of cake.  You are all witnesses!  I have to move on this people.  Go ahead and ask me how the editing is going — go ahead — and don’t let me evade the questions…

Have a great day…I am, with friends in Jerusalem.  I love the productivity that time-crunches push you into!

199 Days: A broken mirror and a cat in the crook

Under 200 days until 30.  Not sure how I feel about that.  It has been an eventful 5.5 months, however. Best not to dwell.  I’m doing OK today.

Fischer and Cassie-O

My male cat, Fischer, broke a really big heavy glass mirror this morning.  He did it by somehow ricocheting off of my leg as he sort of sped, a la Tom and Jerry, through the apartment on a craze of some sort.  So, I’m wondering if I’m partially responsible for it.    And although I shouldn’t and don’t believe in luck, you never know, and it’s sort of always hanging there.  Not really.  But I’ve never broken a mirror or aided and abetted in the breaking of a mirror.  I mean, I was the silly girl who in high school kissed the ceiling of her car when she passed through a yellow light and held her breath when driving past a cemetery.  We used to say, seven years bad sex for anyone who didn’t.  But do we believe it?  What are your thoughts about superstition?  I mean, even if you don’t believe in this stuff, who goes around breaking huge mirrors, you know?

Anyway, it was a messy cleanup, and as I’m messy anyway, it wasn’t fun.  This mirror turned into sparkly fairy dust-like powder in some areas.  I mean, the microscopic mirror fragments we’re talking about here will make it impossible to walk around without shoes for months.   It mixed in with the random kitty litter which was scattered on the floor, and it got in the cracks in the tiles on the floor…ugh.

Cassie-O, dear sweet Cassie-O (Fischer’s little sister, my nickname for Cassiopeia, and a nice take on “Jackie O,” if I do say so myself) has taken to sitting in the crook of my knees when I’m lying down on my side.  She, unlike Fischer, the in-your-face ham, doesn’t like to be confined or held in any way, as affectionate as she can be.  She needs to feel she has her escape route.  It’s just about the cutest thing you can imagine, as she gets right up in there, making a great legwarmer in our cold winter days and nights.

This week is all about planning this party I’m catering on Saturday night.  Amazing to have a task this huge and fun.  But a lot of logistics.  A f-load of logistics.  And I may venture forth in to South Tel Aviv, cheapy-ville, for a cut-price food processor today.  Making pate for 40 is not fun if you have to do it by hand, that’s for sure.  But for now…I’m tres sleepy, having slept over at my lovely guy’s place (where we dealt with a crisis of no water in his apartment, calling the neighbors, the landlord, threatening the landlord, etc, etc), and I want to take a nap before:

1. Dealing with finally finishing business cards
2. Reading the first third of a colleague’s novel and critiquing it for my writing workshop
3. Creating a very very detailed plan of action for all the shopping and cooking that has to happen in the next 3 days
4. Going to downtown post office to collect (and pay taxes on) belated Hanukkah gifts one of my sisters sent from the States

That all sounds reasonable, right?  Right.  Good.  Now, let’s snuggle with some cats, now shall I?

208 Days: Damned Structures

Back to life. Back to reality.

I’ve had my grace period. It’s time to open mail, clean house, get a business plan, write, shower. Open the GD datebook. I think I may even have scheduled a doctor’s appt for today, like a month back, and goodness knows that I should friggin know about it.

So here is the challenge. Being productive and adult without having the external structure of a boss and a job and deadlines for other people. Now, I have to make deadlines for myself. I was reading my friend Julie’s blog today, and I was so homesick and envious of just warm and normal and organized lives.  There are some comforts I just don’t have, even the material ones.  I don’t have parents nearby.  I don’t have a TV.  Procrastinating at my house is just as pathetic as can be.  OK, I’m going to make a list.  I really really need one.  And I’m using this blog to do it, apologies to all, as I can’t even seem to be able to find paper and a pen to do this.  All I got’s a computer in front of me, and I need something to kick my ass into shape about all of this.  Go, go, go!  Ugh.

1. Open mail – assess the damage, aka bills, bank statement, letter from former company showing what I’m owed, what I need to sign, etc.
2. Eat breakfast.  There’s yogurt and brown bread and fruit in the fridge.  And if you’re needing it, some bleu cheese and nutella.  So go eat!
3. Shower.  There may even be hot water all ready for you, so just do it.
4. Finances.  Write the email to the CFO of former company in order to settle your severance.  Just do it.  Go to bank and see what the damage is.  Create a budget for the month and up to six months.  It will be OK.
5. Bituach Leumi.  Yes, social security.  Go to them.  Wait in line.  Figure it all out.  See what you owe.  Tell them you’re unemployed.  Find out your break for that.  See if you’re eligible for unemployment, as there is actually a chance for it.  As it’s probably too late to go today already, as it’s 9:30 am, you write it in ink for Tuesday.
6. Manuscript.  Get it printed.  Get to a cafe with your newish laptop.  Read it.  Start revising and writing up a storm.  You must do this. Today.
7. Food career.  Send resume out for the vegetarian kosher personal chef advert you saw.  4 days a week making lunch and dinner for two is a fab part time job.  DO IT.  Get business cards made.  ASAP.  Need it this week.  Figure it out.  What am I now.  Chef and Writer?  Writer and Personal Chef?  And it means completely updating personal website for business purposes.  Ee Gad!  Just do it.
8. Therapy.  After financial assessment, assess whether you can still afford a private therapist.  You need it, but it might be time to buck up and go to the kupat cholim for help.
9. Friends.  Call regularly.  Catch up on email.  You can do this.  It isn’t even painful.
10. Ireland.  Can I go for A’s bday in a month? Go to student travel agency and see if they can do better than $520 after tax, as that’s what expedia is saying.  If I can go for around $450, I’d do it.  And think of this idea…maybe you can even convince current brand new boyfriend (can I even call him that) to come with me and use it as a romantic weekend away…It will be expensive.  $520 is best price.  Wow.
11. Italy.  Need to start budgeting.  Great that parents have purchased a cruise, but I have to get myself to Venice in order to board the ship.  Also tackle this hurdle at the student travel agency, god love ‘em. Also so expensive I want to puke.  $620 is best price.  Ugh.
12. Write mom a thank you note for the lovely fake Ugg boots which I will not be removing from my feet this winter, and the two science fiction novels she sent me…as well as the old hand me down computer she gave me…saved me a few hundred bucks.  This will take like 30 seconds so do it now!
13. Clean the house and tidy after the cats.  If you do a little all the time, it’s easier in the long run.
14. Deal with the clothes in the bedroom.  Hun, you’ve been home nearly a week.  Well, no, 4.5 days.  But still.  Gotta really unpack and deal with problem of the huge pile of clothes you left on a chair.  This house is not big enough.
15. Spend quality time with your sister!  She’ll be back from Rome in 45 minutes.  Shower her with your love and ridiculous amounts of presents from India!
16. India photos!  Assess and upload for goodness sake.  If anyone’s read to this point, would love some recommendations on free websites and/or software for dealing with thousands of photos that add up to about 7 gig.  I’m not kidding.
17. Post office.  Send J her gift and R your Lonely Planet India.  Easy as pie.  Just need addresses.
18. Read/watch some news for god’s sake.  See if any of your friends have gotten drafted yet. None yet, but probably…I’m keeping fingers crossed my sister doesn’t get called up.
19. Buy an adapter for the new computer
20. Buy a cat post for those sharp clawed beasties to scratch.  They lost interest after an hour…fuck!  Maybe I should smear it with food or something.

OK.  That’s not so bad.  Really.  Today, I think I’ll get a few of these done.  Maybe not the most important ones.  But several is great.  I think I’ll go eat and shower and get out of the house, with the laptop in tow, to find a printer and an internet cafe, maybe downtown, so that way I can go to my travel agent at the same time.  And going downtown makes me feel like I’ve done something with my day.  Gone somewhere.  Seen things.  It’s all good.  And of course, I’ll see my sister this afternoon or evening.  I will shower her with stuff.  It will be OK.  Yes it will.  I can do this.  Yes I can.  Now go.  Go!  Go do it already.  OK.  OK.  I will.  Now.

260 Days: MASSIVE CHANGE

I quit my job yesterday.

I bought a ticket to India today.

I leave on December 1st.

When I get back on January 2nd, I immediately begin a 6-month manuscript workshop with an excellent instructor and small group to get my book beaten into shape enough for me to send to agents and publishers.

Also on January 2nd, I begin my life as a full-time freelance writer/food writer and personal chef.  I am already creating a business plan, of sorts, and I at least own the textbook bible how-to of setting up this kind of business (thanks to B).

I am shocked.  I am shocked and stunned and awe-struck because I am achieving my goals.  I wrote them down.  First, here in this blog, and second, on paper this week.  And I’m checking off the list.  I am nowhere near professional success…but I’m not on square one.  And I am much nearer personal success than I had believed.  I have accomplished or am about to accomplish the first four items on my list: finish the book; go to India; get a pet; find career/money/happiness balance.

• One – I’ve signed up for the manuscript workshop, it’s costing a lot, I have to work hard on the thing even before it starts (in the 2.5 weeks I have!), and I’ll be damned if I don’t make something of it with all of this structure I’m creating.
• Two – I got my ticket to India today!  I go for a month.  I wish it could be for two, but a month is a long trip, still.  I am being realistic.  I can’t see all of the country in this amount of time.  But I can focus on three or four regions, have a good time, and learn something.  I’m planning on taking classes on Punjabi and Kerala cuisines, and really try to get an amateur-mastery level before I come back.  Plus — I have number three to worry about…
• Three – I adopted two cats on August 8 of this year.  It was a spur-of-the-moment decision.  And I don’t think I would have done it otherwise and under different circumstances.  My sister asked me.  It was her last day on her archaeological dig, and the all kittens the site manager had brought with him from home to be adopted had been — apart from two.  I suspect they were the runt and the bad egg.  However, Cassiopeia (the runt) and Fischer (the bad egg, aka the tornado) have been wonderful.  After I got used to them.  The first month or two were very hard.  Very hard.  I always thought I was a pet person.  Instant companionship.  I felt invaded.  That my life was taken away from me.  My only safe haven in Israel destroyed.  But apart from keeping them from chewing on precious artwork (I live in my grandfather’s old art studio), and having to empty a litter box, they’re my family now.  I don’t love them like I love people.  But it’s nice not to be alone.
• Four – Figure out the work/life/money/creativity – well, I’m doing it.  I quit the job that was horribly for me in many, many ways.  And I’m going to put in a real, hard-working, 6-month effort at food and writing and food writing.

So, there you have it.  Living my dream.  Still, I’m alone on a Thursday night (like Friday night everywhere else in the world).  But it’s better.  I talked to several friends today, and I have some plans for the weekend.  No dating.  Kind of.  Mr 23 is still loitering in the outside lobby of my social life.  But tonight, I have an iMac, two (thankfully) sleepy cats, an apartment to clean, some old movies, a novel to edit, and a trip to India to plan.

Congratulate me, if you will, if you’ve read this far.  And let me know if you have suggestions for India.  I’m a (nearly) blank slate. You know, you can do it, too.  How simple it is.  Just write it down, and check the items off as you go.

My first blog entry: Just Another Number? Just Another Life.

My List of things to do before 30