I had originally met the guy I just broke it off with through friends. A friend. A female friend. A really nice girl whom I think is sweet, smart, fun, quirky, a bit nuts, but a great person to hang with and to know. I really think she liked me, too. And this guy, this guy. This guy was an ex of hers who became a good friend. I should have smelled trouble a mile away.
Background – I’ve been in this country less than ten months. Only in the past 2 months or so have a really started to feel an inkling of what it is to feel at home here, to have real friends here. A group of great creative, lovely women allowed me to join their “group.” Not that there was a membership process. But it has been great. I live a bit far from them, so I’ve only seen them sporadically. But it’s been enough. Once every week and a half, plus phone calls, emails, a party here and there, some holiday antics. This girl was one of the new friends I had adopted. And I must add here, they are natives, locals, whatever you’d call it. I have lots of expat acquaintances, but it’s been so important to me to find something real. Real people, a real connection. This is one of the few tendrils that keeps me happy and sane, here, these new friends. They give me hope that I can build a life here and feel more at home. They have been more than kind, and we’ve had some great fun.
But now. But now. I made a mistake. Not in dating this man. But in keeping it a secret. Not that it matters at all now, however, it was his idea, and his request. He didn’t want to let anyone know unless it “became” something. Obviously, it hasn’t. And it’s OK. Throughout the short dating period, I felt very stressed. I felt it wasn’t quite right. I felt like I was lying when there was no need. And I also felt like this was the kind of situation where I ought to have been more than open with my friend, ask “for permission”, or advice, or the like. It would have been respectful, or seen as such, in this Sex and the City type world. Girlfriend etiquette. But the guy and I started dating so organically. Emails, a coffee, etc. He lives nearer to me than the girls. It was easy to get together. And then his request. We wouldn’t let anyone know until it was “something” because if it didn’t turn out, nobody would be the wiser. Why hurt anyone?
Well, she felt something, she asked him, and he told her. And I was so sheepish, scared, I don’t know what. I didn’t speak with her. I didn’t apologize. I didn’t confront. And now it’s off anyway, and if nobody had found out, it would have been simple. But now I don’t have a boyfriend, and I also might have lost a friend. The guy keeps insisting she loves me, she actually told him it would be great if he dated me, encouraged it. But still, it was I, I who did not speak with her.
Today I spoke with her. It was a very short phone call. We had planned to go dress shopping (she is a famously good personal shopper), but we both may have been busy, so it was to confirm the cancellation. And after this I said, “(The Guy) told me that you knew we had started dating, and you may know we have stopped.” She confirmed, but it was short, curt, and cold. And I told her that I felt bad, and that I apologize for not having spoken with her about it before, sooner. She responded, “well, it’s too late for that, now.”
I feel like a terrible human being.
And it continues. I’m still going out with this man, just like before. Only no touching. Dead Sea, a movie, a long phone call, and now dinner tonight. Hopefully the two of us can figure out how my friend really feels, and think about what to do.
Because I may have just lost the only friends, the only Israeli friends, I had here.
