Just another number? Just another life.

It’s 3:25 am. I should be asleep. And yet. Here I am starting my first public attempt at a real blog. Why? There are so many reasons why. I ponder and think and weigh the pros and cons, and in my spare moments have oft found myself in the midst of designing ideal “blogs in the sky” in the awkward corners of my mind. But ne’er did it come to pass.

Until now.

Here is the story. I would say in a nutshell. However, my nutshells tend to balloon. So I make no promises.

I am twenty-eight years, nine months, and nineteen days old. And although I don’t exactly fear the approach of the number thirty, I feel it like some sort of presence, a self-imposed ceiling, a line I drew in the sand for myself long ago having been thus influenced by family, society, education, et al. As a child I actually looked forward to thirty. I was a very serious, bookish, somewhat awkward girl who very much wanted to be noticed, understood, and respected by adults. The child I was couldn’t wait to turn thirty, “because when you’re thirty, everyone takes you seriously.”
As an ambitious teenager, the goals I set for myself were impossibly high. I would go to MIT or the US Air Force Academy. I was to have a PhD in astrophysics by age 25. By thirty I would of course have been accepted into NASA’s astronaut program.

Ah life. As I sit here with bags under my eyes, in a grubby orange hoody and free airline boxer shorts on stiff Ikea furniture, in Tel Aviv, no less, having (of course!) accomplished none of the above, I feel that a blog will assist me in achieving a number of things for myself:

1) Taking stock: I have always led an examined life, thank you very much. But lately, this essay-writer, diary-scribbler, soul-searcher, too-often-stuck-in-her-head, know-it-all, has observed that when one examines too closely and too often, life is not necessarily lived. The big picture. The forest for the trees. All that jazz. This blog may theoretically be read by someone other than me, making this a dynamic, interactive forum. I like this idea.

2) Discipline: I have never been successful doing anything “freelance.” Why? I hate admitting it, but this soul loves (or maybe it’s just, needs) structure. I thrive in an academic environment. Deadlines. The paper has to get turned in. Class meets only from 2-3 pm. Period. Unfortunately, living itself is a lifelong freelance project. I hope this blog will provide some incentive (or the necessary guilt) to stick to goals, or at least to not ignore them.

3) Writing: Duh. Obvious. But here’s the thing. I love to write. I have actually won some journalism awards. I have written a novel. I was not so long ago a theater professional with plays under my belt. Yet I write so little these days. And have little discipline to get me there. This may be a subsection of #2, above, but it’s one of primary importance to me. Getting my book published (not to mention read by readers, edited, proofed, all the hard polishing nonsense that actually has to happen before you can even start selling the damn thing…) is so important to me. And yet I find myself doing nothing.

So there you have it.

Coming up in the next post…the grand list. Oh yes. I have one.  All the things I want to accomplish before thirty. Because I still have time. One year, two months, and around twelve days. Just enough. To do some long awaited things. Or maybe just one big thing. Because even though thirty is arbitrary, it isn’t if we believe it isn’t. And even if we don’t, it’s never too late to make life the one you want it to be. Really and truly.

And if you’re reading this now, and you’re not me. Wow. Thank you. You’re a trooper. And the purpose of having a blog at all has been achieved.

G’night folks.